


A Cumbersome And Heavy Body

by VisualSnow



Category: BnHA, Boku no Hero Academia, My Hero Academia, mha
Genre: Angst, Death, Gen, Hallucinations, Mind Control, PTSD, Temporary title (probably), our sweet baby gets mentally destroyed, tw torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-12 08:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11157864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisualSnow/pseuds/VisualSnow
Summary: Midoriya izuku doesn't remember how he got locked in a dark room, tied to a chair with a burlap sack over his head. But he sure as hell will remember what comes next.





	1. Take my heart, pull it apart

**Author's Note:**

> Heya heya, its ya girl! I hope you like this angsty first chapter, because there's more to come! Please comment+kudos if you like this!

The rough texture of burlap and the faint whisper of unfamiliar voices greets midoriya izuku as he slowly regained consciousness. He could feel the cool metal of handcuffs keeping his wrists from moving from behind his back. He tries to keep his breathing even despite the fear, and strains his ears to hear the whispers. 

“Kid should be… stuff ready… Phobos here?” He hears, little snatches of conversation barely discernible from a white noise of whirring fans and cars. He stayed as still as he could, straining to hear more but was met with nothing. 

“We know you're awake.” A voice startled izuku from his concentration, causing him to jump back in surprise. “Hah!” The speaker laughed. “Did I scare ya?”

Izuku didn't answer, heart still pounding from the sudden scare. His head whipped towards the source of the voice. “W-what am I doing here? Who are you?” He stuttered.

“Right to the chase, huh?” He heard the speaker walk in front of him, before feeling the burlap lift over his head. Freed from the cloth blindfold, the speaker was revealed to him. He was a man, probably about thirty, with white and grey hair and eyes entirely a deep black. He wore a pink sweater vest, with pastel purple slacks and a bright blue tie. “Oh, you should see your face. You look like a kicked puppy!” 

A woman walked up behind the man and tapped his shoulder. She has waist length purple and green hair on one side of her scalp, and a shaved other side. She wore a purple leather jacket with shiny, green leggings patterned with scales. Her eyes reminded izuku of a lizards. “Phobos is finally here.” She said, sounding bored. a forked tongue peeked from her lips, and she smirked. “He smells scared, did you mess with him already?”

“You know me, tokage. Of course I did!” The man replied, chuckling. “Anyways, send Phobos in.”

“Whatever you say, “boss” the woman, tokage, snarked sarcastically in reply, before sauntering away. The man turned to face izuku again, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Now listen, kid. This is just business. We have nothing against you. So I'm sorry for what's about to happen.” The main said, before laughing. “Well, I'll be sorry ‘till I get paid!”

Suddenly, a man emerged from the shadows in front of izuku. He was tall, with tanned skin and brown hair cut into a swooping bang over his left eye. He was dressed in a red and black coat, and towered over izuku. He couldn't help but cower as the tall man moved closer. He felt like fear was radiating off the man in droves. 

“Is this him?” The tall man, phobos, asked the man with black eyes. 

“Yup! This is our special guest!” He answered gesturing towards izuku, before leaning down to izuku’s height. “Alright kid, here come the fun part!”

“What are y-you doing?!” Izuku exclaimed as Phobos put his hand on his head. “S-stop!” He attempted to activate one for all, but the hum of power refused to come. 

“Shhh, just relax, kid!” The black eyed man said. “Besides, I've made sure you can't use that power of yours.” 

Izuku struggled against his bonds, before suddenly freezing. The area on his forehead where the man's hands touched was getting hotter and hotter. 

And suddenly, the man was gone. Instead, his mother stold in front of him, with a worried look on her face. Her hand was pressed against his forehead. The familiar scene of his living room greeted him, instead of the cold, dark room from before. 

“Izuku, honey, are you okay? You feel a bit warm.” She asked. Izuku jerked back, startled. What just happened? The past few minutes were a blurry mess in his head. Had he dozed off? Or was he dreaming?

“Umm, I'm okay. I'm just gonna… use the restroom really quick.” Izuku stood and quickly made his way into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He stared into the mirror, trying to make sure he was really there. He pinched himself, yelping at the pain. Well, he was about 90% sure he was awake. He splashed some water in his face, hoping his memory would straighten itself out, before unlocking the door and going back to the living room. 

The scene in front of him was from izuku worst nightmares. The sofa was torn to shreds, cotton stuffing mixed with thick red liquid. The coffee table was shattered in two, splinters covering the floor. The wall was plagued in blood, and the tv screen was shattered beyond repair. But worst of all was the form of his mother lying broken in the corner. Her back was turned toward him, but izuku could see the streaks of blood on her usually spotless sweater. 

“M-mom!” Izuku yelled, running towards her. He fell to his knees and cradled her head in his lap. “Mom, p-please don’t…” but her eyes barely flickered. Her stomach had been ripped open, intestines strewn over the floor. Blood leaked onto izuku as he held his mother closer to him and sobbed.

“I..zuku…” she stammered weakly. “This..”

“W-what is it m-mom?” Izuku sobbed. 

**_“This is all your fault.”_**

Izuku jerked at the growling, angry voice that replaced his mother's weak one. Her body began to melt in his hands, skin dripping like wax. 

“Mom?!” Izuku scrambled back, terror flooding his system. 

**_“You did this to me. You killed me, izuku!”_** The voice screamed at izuku. 

********

********

“N-no, mom, no!” Izuku stammered. “I didn't.. I never…”

**_“You're pathetic. Less than trash. Do the world a favor, Izuku, and die with me.”_ **

Izuku felt a pain in his wrists, and thin cuts began to open themselves along his pale skin. Izuku screamed in pain as the cuts deepened, and scrambled to staunch the heavy flow of blood. But his wrists just opened themselves more, causing sharp pain to course through izuku’s arms. His breathing quickened as his head pounded. Blood covered his clothes, and he fell to his knees. The world spun around him as voices pounded in his head, thrashing painfully in his skull. He vomited, and collapsed into the carpet into a pool of his own blood and sick.

And then it was over. Izuku gasped as he jerked back to reality, covered in sweat. He thrashed around, screaming with tears running down his face. 

“Woah, woah, woah. Calm down mister.” He heard a voice through the haze of panic that filled him. He felt pressure remove from his head, and faintly saw someone backing away. Bits and pieces slowly returned to him as he hyperventilated, until he realized where he was. 

“There he is! How was it? Did you have fun?” The black eyed man from before said, with a sickening grin in his face. 

“What,” Izuku panted, “the fuck was that.”

“My my, you've suddenly got a mouth on you, aye?” The black eyed man tousled his hair. Izuku jerked back at the touch. 

“Get away from me! GET AWAY!” He screamed, but the man wasn't fazed. 

“Oh, how cute! He thinks he can intimidate me!” The man laughed joyfully, before pulling Izuku’s chin up to meet his eyes. His already dark eyes had grown darker, crueler, and seemed to suck the breath right out of Izuku. “That was your life from now on. Better get used to it.” 

With that, the black eyed man spun around and laughed, walking away from Izuku. “Oh, and Phobos?”

Phobos turned. “Yes?” 

“Make sure he doesn't get any sleep tonight.”

Izuku could only scream as the tall man placed his hand on his face and began everything again.


	2. Take my brain, or what remains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know literally nothing about the after effects of torture, but hey I tried. Please comment if you like this chapter/fic, I'll love you forever!

Time had stopped for midoriya izuku. The world has crumbled, everything outside his little room had turned to dust in his mind. Speaking of his mind, he could feel that crumbling too. At first, he had put up a fight. He had kicked and cursed and tried so hard. Now, his brain would switch in and out, on and off, from ecstatic to terrified to apathetic, so many conflicting emotions all at once. The days and nights had slurred together, and the passing time was marked only by his meals and the “play times”. That was what he called them, anyway. The torturous hell that they put him through every day, every hour, every fucking _minute_.

Sometimes, they would make him think that he was being rescued, only for his friends to be slaughtered brutally in front of him. Sometimes he was the killer behind the knife, slowly stealing the life from everyone he loved. all of his classmates, his teachers, his family, no one was spared from the visions forced into his head. How many times had he seen uraraka and iida, broken and bloody at his feet? How many times had he seen the life strangled out of all might, frail hands begging him to stop, scrabbling for air yet getting none? How many times had he found himself willingly shedding the blood of those he cherished? The answer was too many to count. Day and night, day and night, it was an endless cycle pain.

And during the times when he wasn't being forced to live through every fear his mind could conjure up, the black eyed man would be there, taunting him, running his knife down izuku’s arms and legs leaving scars and scabs in it's wake. Thin cuts, thick cuts, cuts deep enough the black eyed man brought in pastel pink and yellow thread and stitched izuku up. No matter how they looked, though, they all carried the same message. “You're ours,” they laughed, “and even if you manage to escape you will _always be ours_.”

It was during one of these times, when the black eyed man was humming along to izuku’s screams of pain as if they see a well known melody, that izuku felt a rumbling strong enough to rattle his chair. The black eyed man halted his knifes crusade, and stood up, before walking toward the door.

“You be good, okay my sweet little izu-kun? Don't go anywhere~” He giggled, sugar and syrup and poison dripping from his smile. Izuku just sat, blankly. Any attempt at escape was futile, he had already tried that long ago. Once, when he still felt the fight in him, he had been able to dislocate his thumbs and wriggle free of the handcuffs. As a reward, his thumbs had a lovely date with a sledgehammer. After that, they cuffed his feet to the chair too, instead of using the rope from before, and his thumbs still ached with every jolt and jostle.

The rumbling grew louder, and with it again came the black eyed man. Izuku sighed, and prepared himself for the pain of the knife. But the black eyed man only laughed.

“Well, sweet izu-kun, this is goodbye. But don't worry, I'll know you'll always think of me fondly.” The black eyed man walked closer, and twirled something through his fingers. “Here's a parting gift.”

Izuku jumped at the sudden prick from a syringe. As soon as the pinch of pain faded away, his eyes dropped and his head nodded. His vision grew blurry as the black eyed man turned and left. The ceiling rumbled, and little bits of cement and plaster rained down on izuku’s head.

“Is this how I die?” Izuku thought, as the stone ceiling started to crumble. “Buried beneath rubble and rock, to be forgotten?”

But fate, the cruel mistress, and other plans for izuku. The door in front of him burst open, and too many people to count flooded in. Or maybe that was just izuku’s eyes, doubling and adding a hazy halo to everything. As he drifted out of consciousness, he thought he heard his name being called. He didn't fight the pull of sleep as hands gently untied and uncuffed him, and he was laid down on something soft.

_____

The first time izuku woke up, you could barely call it waking up. His eyes were only open long enough to notice that the cold, stark concrete ceiling had been replaced by cream coloured panels. Then he was out again.

The second time he woke up, izuku had jerked up in the bed he was lying on. He didn't remember the dream he was having, but his heart was racing and his head was pounding. He felt a stirring at his side, and looked just in time to see his mother sleepily rub her eyes and sit up. As soon as she saw him, tears began to fill her emerald eyes. She grabbed her sons hand, as if he would disappear in a puff of smoke if she let go.

“Oh, I-Izuku! You're awake! Hold on sweetie, let me call the nurse-”

But izuku jerked his hand away, scrambling to get as far away as possible.

“G-Get away from me!” He shouted, frantically pulling the tubes and wires from his arms with painful jerks. “I k-know this isn't real! Get away!” He scrambled off the bed, pushing his mother out of the way before bolting out the door. He almost made it down the hall before strong hands grabbed him, stopping him in place. He fought, he bit and scratched and screamed, but the prick of a needle at the base of his neck signaled his next impromptu nap.

The third time izuku woke up, he felt soft restraints keep him from jerking up. He struggled against them for a moment, before giving up the futile fight.

Instead, he looked around, taking stock of the room. His arms and legs were suppressed at the wrists and ankles with what looked like cloth and Velcro. A tray to his right held various medical instruments. If he could wiggle free of the cuffs, he could use one of the syringes as a weapon.

To his left sat a door, and behind it he saw his mother- no, the vision of his mother, the sick imitation his mind had conjured up to torture him. Izuku wondered how this morbid fantasy would play out. Would he be strung along, believing he was free and rescued, before being tortured by the doctor and nurses that has been working to save him? Or maybe it would go on longer, maybe he would be discharged and brought home- and then snap, he would be back there.

Just then, the door opened, and in walked his mother (nothismothernothismothernothismother) and a man in a doctor's coat.

“Ah, midoriya izuku.” The man spoke, looking at a clipboard. “You're awake. How are you feeling? Any pain?”

“Fuck off.” Izuku swore, disinterested. “ I know what you are, so just do it already.”

“Izuku!” His mother gasped. “Language!”

“What, like you care? You're not my mom. You're just part of him. Waiting for me to get comfy, to feel safe, and then you'll strike.” He laughed, a cruel chuckle. “What'll it be this time? Cutting me open while I'm tied down? Pumping me with poisonous gas? Oh, I've got it! You'll use all that fancy cauterizing equipment! Burn me up, nice and crispy. Oh, that'll have me screaming!”

His mother (nothismothernothismother _thatthingisNOTHISMOTHER_ ) just covers her mouth with her hands.

“Izuku,” she sobs, “what did they do to you?”

He answers her with a laugh, and feels his sanity slip through his fingers like sand in an hourglass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope you liked it! Sorry for any spelling mistakes, I'm writing on my phone :3


	3. Throw it all way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO BETA READERS WE POST UNEDITED CRAPPY CHAPTERS LIKE MEN!!! Anyways, I'm tired af and I hope you guys like the suffering of this chapter

Midoriya izuku awakes to the incessant squeaking of a wheel, annoyingly shrieking as a cart is pushed into his room. The birds outside his window chirp, and the sound is nails in a chalkboard to izuku’s ears.

“Good morning, midoriya!” A cheerful nurse calls out, as she wheels a cart inside izuku’s room. “I've brought you breakfast!” Her cotton candy hair is pulled back into a braid, showing the intricate curls on the tips of her ears. Gauzy wings poked from two slits on the back of her clean blue shirt. 

“I don't want it.” Izuku says, not moving from his position. The 

“Please, midoriya? It's been a week since your last meal. We'd rather you eat by choice than force us to take more drastic measures.” 

“No.” He says, and the nurse sighs, and turns to leave. 

“We really are on your side, izuku. We want to help you.” She sighs, sadly. Izuku doesn't respond. “your friends are planning on visiting later, after quirk therapy with doctor shimizu. Maybe that'll cheer you up, aye?”

She finally leaves, and Izuku sighs in relief. He sits up, and walks over to the small window. Today, then. Today he would carry out his plans. 

He flexed his fingers, feeling one for all’s power flow through his veins. It had been ridiculously easy to pretend like he couldn't use it. They'd believed him, the idiots. Even put him through therapy, droning endlessly about “the mental trauma blocking his abilities” and that “because he's a late bloomer the damage was worse.” Tricking them had been a piece of cake. Hopefully he could trick them again  
_______

“Well, mr.midoriya, that concludes our session for today. I want you to keep doing the exerciss I showed you last Thursday, and alert me if anything happens, good or bad.” The doctor droned, boring Izuku to death. Her near translucent hair fell in waves over her equally clear skin. She looked like she was made of glass, clear but not quite invisible.

“Sure doc. Whatever.” He sighed, picking at the skin around his nails. The were bloody and raw from being picked and chewed constantly. Partly because of Izuku’s absent minded picking, partly because he craved the prick of pain that came with each thin piece of skin that peeled off after enough biting.

“Alright, I'll leave you now. I hear your friends are coming soon, and I'd hate to keep you all apart.”

The doctor got up from her chair and walked out of the room, throwing Izuku a glance over her shoulder before walking out the door. Izuku got up and stretched. It was finally time.

Izuku listened as voices approached his room. He heard the familiar tones of his friends from school. Uraraka’s cheery, high pitched laughter, iida’s booming, serious scolding, and surprisingly, bakugou’s grumpy and defensive attitude. He waited, and listened as the door opened. 

“Thank you all for coming to visit midoriya. We think that seeing some familier faces will help him recover from the trauma he went through. Remember, be kind, speak softly, try not to alarm him.” He heard a nurse say. “Midoriya, your friends are… where did he go?” 

Izuku lunged out from behind the door, metal towel rack in hand. He swung towards the nurse's head, connecting with a painful sounding thump. He glimpsed his friends startled faces as he ran out the room, making his way through the mostly empty hallways.

“Deku!” He heard a voice behind him yell. But he was already to the elevator.

________

the wind ruffled izuku’s hair as he stood atop the concrete wall lining the hospital roof. The view was spectacular from there, 20 floors above the ground. Which meant it was the perfect height for what izuku planned to do. 

A bang resonated behind him, and izuku looked over his shoulder to see none other than his childhood friend, bakugou katsuki. 

“Oh, hello kachan!” Izuku said, smiling cheerily. “What brings you here?” 

“What the fuck do you think you doing, deku?” Bakugou snarled, walking closer. But izuku wasn't fooled, he could feel the worry in his tone, the caution in his step. “Get off the wall.”

“But kachan,” deku said, tilting his head to the side, “weren't you the one who told me to take a swan dive off the roof during middle school? I thought you of all people would be happy to see this.” 

Bakugou slapped a hand over his face. “Goddammit deku, I didn't… fuck, I didn't mean it! I'm sorry, okay? Now please, get down from there.”

“Nope!” Izuku exclaimed, pronouncing the p with a pop. “You don't even know, Kachan. You don't know what I went through. You don't know how my head feels now, foreign and painful. My own brain is against me!” He laughed, a cruel, hard laugh. “Believe me, this is better for everyone.” 

An out of breath uraraka appeared behind bakugou, followed closely by Iida. 

“Deku, please!” Uraraka panted. “Please don't do this. Please get down!”

“Yes midoriya, please step off the railing.” Iida followed. “We can help you recover from your experiences. Just step down from there and come with us, back inside.” 

“Why should I?!” Izuku exclaimed. “Don't you realize that the me you knew is gone? All that's left is a monster. A disgusting, horrible monster. And nothing can fix me! No pill, no therapy, no magical cure will ever come along and save me!” 

As he stepped off the roof, he heard His friends scream in objection. Distantly he could see his friends in the roof top, uraraka desperately reaching a hand down towards him. How sad would she feel, knowing she could have saved him, but was a second to slow. But it was too late, and izuku was plummeting towards the concrete below.as the air rushed around him, he felt the happiest he had felt in a while. Real, true happiness, not the fake high he would swing to occasionally, not the happiness they tried to force into him with pills. Finally, finally, he would be free. Right before he hit the ground, he closed his eyes and smiled.

Freedom. 

And then he woke up, and the familiar weight of handcuffs froze him in his chair. 

“Welcome back, Izu-kun~”

“No,” He gasps, “no, no no NO!” 

The black eyed man smiles down at him, and Izuku can feel the terror in his blood. 

“Oh come on, didn't you miss me? You've been gone so long, almost a week! Poor Phobos is so, so tired because of you, too.”

“B-but, how! It lasted weeks, months!” Izuku cried, still unable to believe it. 

“Yeah, that's how it works. The longer the hallucination, the harder Phobos has to work. Plus, the less believable.” The black eyed man chuckles. “Didn't you wonder why the towel each broke so easily? Or why your friends couldn't catch up as you ran away? Or why the hospital staff was so easily avoided? I could keep going, believe me. Phobos’ quirk is great in short bursts, but a good, long session can have some problems. You were just too full of yourself to notice.”

For the first time in a while, Izuku sobs. He was so close, so close to escape. To think he actually fell for it? Idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot. The black eyed man didn't bat an eye, only pulled out a thin black phone and dialed a number. 

“Hello? Yeah, it's me. I think he's finally broken. Yup, we used physical and mental, just like you asked. No, no, he can still walk. Why? Did you want me to- oh, never mind.” He paused, and chuckled a bit. “Yes sir, we’ll go out with a bang. Yes, yes we'll make sure he keeps his fingers. I can't promise anything about the nails though, y’know?! Alright. See you tomorrow!” He cheerily hung up on whoever was on the other end. He turned to Izuku, wiping away a tear from his eye. 

“Don't cry, sweet izu-kun.” He said gently. “The worst will come tonight. Save the tears for when you truly need them.” 

Izuku said nothing, and let his head hang limply. What more could possibly be done? What more could they do to him. He trembled, fear creeping into him and replacing his blood with ice. Who would he be tomorrow? What would they turn him into?

_____

That night was the worst of Izuku’s life. He had thought he felt pain before, he had thought the feeling of his own bones turning to dust as his own power crushed him would be the worst thing he would ever experience. But god, how he was wrong. God, how he longed for pain as simple as that.

His hands had been chained by the wrists to the curling, leaving him swing a few inches off the ground. At first they had just left him like that, joints straining as he painfully hung. every now and than a bone would pop out of place, making Izuku flick with pain. But this was oy the beggining 

first came the tiny pins, stuck under his fingernails and toenails. He screamed as the black eyed man slowly pushed two, three even, under each nail. The searing pain ached though his entire arm, and struggling only made it worse. 

Then came the heated iron rod, burning patterns up and down Izuku back. Every flinch just brought more pain, pain upon pain upon pain. Swirls and hearts and star became burned into Izuku back, until barely any skin was left untouched. 

To describe everything Izuku went through that night, he would need a thousand page notebook. Some horrors, some tragedies, are better left unsaid. But what will be said, is that no man should have to through the things that the young teen had.

By the end of the night, blood covered the concrete floor, bits of skin and nails floating in the sea of red. Izuku had passed out long ago, and hung limply from his chains.

The black eyed man almost tenderly unchained Izuku, and laid him out on a stretcher. 

“Parting is such sweet sorrow, my sweet Izu-kun” he said. “I will remember your screams, your tears, your blood, so fondly. I hope you have fun at your new home.”

He stood up and turned as a figure appeared in the doorway. “Well, I hope my services were satisfactory to you, sir. If the villain alliance ever needs my help again, just give me a ring!”

“You've done us a great service. You should receive your payment by tomorrow evening. Thank you.” The man in the doorway replied. His body churned and shifted, black smoke rolling off him. A pitch black cloud engulfed the limp boy on the stretcher, and he disappeared within the inky smoke. 

“The pleasure was all mine, sir. Have a nice day!” The black eyed man cheered, and the man made of smoke dissipated, leaving him alone. 

Miles away, the green haired boy reappeared in a rough looking bar. Blood and sweat stuck his hair to his face, and he didn't move a muscle. 

“Good job, kurogiri.” The man sitting at the bar spoke. “Looks like this will power us up quite a bit. Message sensei, tell him we have the boy.” 

The man of mist complied, leaving shigaraki alone with the injured teen. 

“You will be so good for us, Izuku. We will make you loyal, obedient, strong. With your help, we will topple the pillars of peace holding society together.”

Izuku slept on, unaware of the horrors that lay in his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hope that all made as much sense as I hoped.remembe to comment/kudos/bookmark if you like my story!!(ps my tumblr is browneyesbloodyknuckles, come scream at me)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope you liked it :3€ next chapter should come soon!


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